It's hard to believe I've had my 4th chemo treatment already. It's gone by very quickly, possibly because I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something that will make this experience as terrible as I expected it would be. But so far it hasn't happened. The worst part of this experience to date hasn't been any one particular day or procedure. (OK, to be honest, getting the port-a-cath in was pretty rough.) But truthfully the worst part has been the fear of what could happen. Especially as concerns our little one. I imagine most new parents go through a version of this. Wondering if everything will turn out OK. Hoping baby is doing well. Planning what they believe to be the best way to deliver this baby into the world, and then watching as those plans go completely awry. The cancer and the chemo certainly magnify those fears, but the idea is the same. Being a parent is the scariest thing I've done to date. I'm not usually an anxious person, but since finding out I was pregnant I often have moments where intense fear of what might happen to this little child grips me, even more so since being diagnosed with cancer. You spend so much of your life figuring out how to trust God with your own life and your own plans, and then He gives you a little one and you realize you have to go through that whole process again, learning to trust God with the life of this whole other person He's entrusted you with. I guess that's the key, that this baby is God's creature, entrusted to us only for a time, and He is fully able to provide for this child even when we fall short. I'm so grateful for God's providence, for us and for our baby. So far, despite the risks of low birth weight and premature delivery associated with chemo, baby is right on track with weight gain and shows no signs of making an early appearance as we approach the 36th week. We have been so thoroughly supported in prayer and action, and I'm sure baby's and my well-being is reflective of that, as well as God's grace to us.